I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
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God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.