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First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
I’m being attacked 😭
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird