My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
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Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?