Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
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My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
This made me chuckle.
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?