whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
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Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
if a cop pulls u over play dead
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload