i’m still crying at this
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Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
want me to check your oil?
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*