Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
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You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad