the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
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[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
Sorry I made promises on Friday
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
But is it really??
Sponch
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.