100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
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My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
12. I think about this all the damn time
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok