If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
You Might Also Like
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.