Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
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So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.