My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
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We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
pizza
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.