what do you want!!!!!!!!
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[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
Story of my life…..
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.