Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
You Might Also Like
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
HOW DARE YOU
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you