When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
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Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
My support group can outdrink your support group.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
No, he would not have.
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”