My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
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The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
how much for the angry fruit?
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
You learn something every day
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
Ooops wrong house😂😜
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.