A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
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me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE