[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
You Might Also Like
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
he’s sick of your bullshit today