[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
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talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
I was just discussing this with my cat
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
All food is good if you spell it wrong
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?