I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
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If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”