Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
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What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
Nomnomnomnom
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
There is no “we” in chocolate.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
😲 WTF? 😆
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.