Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
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Anime is real
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
#Caturday
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.