If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
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One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
Is this you?
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
Stop being racist to kettles.
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry