Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
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Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
War & Peace
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.