ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
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I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
mumsnet is amazing
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person