Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
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Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
🤣
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about