No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
You Might Also Like
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage