if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
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3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
Smallpox sounds so adorable
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present