Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
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I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
who wore it better?
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”