Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
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It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
(Jupiter –