“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
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I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
don’t we all
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!