You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
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I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…