HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
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Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
you know what ruined my childhood? children
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems