My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
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[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
oh no, steve’s working tonight
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park