I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
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Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians