Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
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I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
Bit chilly again tonight.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.