I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
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“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
I’d rather go liquor treating.
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.