when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
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A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
“HELP WITH CAT”
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*