Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
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Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
car not found
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
catch me on valentine’s day like
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
🤣🤣
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
Not now. I’m deglazing.