I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
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wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
When someone trying to leave me
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won鈥檛 unstop. Don鈥檛 look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 馃槄 Congratulations England, richly deserved 馃憦馃徑馃弳 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
This is my cat’s medicine.
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
I鈥檝e never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
馃幎 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone鈥檚 only got one my dude
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I鈥檓 a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.