I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
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*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
Bike for sale
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.