People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
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Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
Shoo shoo! 😂
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
japanese corn
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?