Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
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If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.