Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
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I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me