Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
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Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?