interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
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Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”