… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
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Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
I camp so other people don’t have to.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.