If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
You Might Also Like
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
The most important meal of the day is the next one
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.