I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
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Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever