I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
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Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
I’m too immature for adultery.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
Cat.